Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
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ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.