Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
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What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Meme Monday.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family