*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
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Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
A bold strategy
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.