FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
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[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.