Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
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little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*