Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HenpeckedHal's best tweets

@HenpeckedHal : The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

@HenpeckedHal: Who decided to call them "wedding vows" instead of "veiled threats"?

@HenpeckedHal: Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

@HenpeckedHal: How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can't say "oatmeal," but he calls it "eatmeal" before I serve it and "atemeal" once he's done.

@HenpeckedHal: Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

@HenpeckedHal: Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

@HenpeckedHal: My wife and I announce when we're going to the bathroom, but it's more a way of saying, "I'm not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it's all your fault."

@HenpeckedHal: My son calls them "please cars" because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter "please don't pull me over!"

@HenpeckedHal: [first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

@HenpeckedHal: Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden...
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh