Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HenpeckedHal's best tweets

@HenpeckedHal : When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I'm too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

@HenpeckedHal: I'm in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn't happen to me--it's just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I'm in.

@HenpeckedHal: Wife: "Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth."
Me: "Oh, ok. What about..."
Wife: "My dentist said six weeks too."

@HenpeckedHal: My brother just found out he's having another kid. He's playing it pretty cool, but let's see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

@HenpeckedHal: To the people who tell expectant parents to "stock up on sleep while you can," please know that's not how sleep works.

@HenpeckedHal: In my defense, I never said that I had "completed the project." I said that I was "done working on it." Two totally different things.

@HenpeckedHal: Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.