Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HenpeckedHal's best tweets

@HenpeckedHal : caller: listen carefully--we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to... me: pay you money? smuggle drugs??? caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

@HenpeckedHal: I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

@HenpeckedHal: DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

@HenpeckedHal: [grounding my son]

me: THAT'S IT! You're out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn't actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don't want to go to it

@HenpeckedHal: coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

@HenpeckedHal: Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

@HenpeckedHal: The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I've started with myself.

@HenpeckedHal: My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She'd learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. "WE did!" my daughter declared. She'd learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

@HenpeckedHal: when your spouse is out with friends and won't answer your texts

@HenpeckedHal: professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE'S TRIED THEM