Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HenpeckedHal's best tweets

@HenpeckedHal : HER: What does cyanide taste like? ME: No clue. Why? HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

@HenpeckedHal: Me: "We're going to go up an escalator! Can you say 'escalator'?"
2 year old son: "eeeskvatay"
Me: "So no. No, you can't."

@HenpeckedHal: "We'd make great parents."
- couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

@HenpeckedHal: Me: 'til death do us part
Her: 'til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

@HenpeckedHal: "Welcome to daycare. Here's your eye infection."

@HenpeckedHal: ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he's like a Highlander or something?

@HenpeckedHal: "One for me, and one for the person I love most," I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

@HenpeckedHal: Boss: You've been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

@HenpeckedHal: The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she "doesn't think the place is a mess."

@HenpeckedHal: Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he's more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.