Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HenpeckedHal's best tweets

@HenpeckedHal : me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date! wife: this has nothing to do with your age

@HenpeckedHal: son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don't like carrots
me: I know

[how I've kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

@HenpeckedHal: Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I'm so glad you brought this up. Foster care is--
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

@HenpeckedHal: Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I'll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

@HenpeckedHal: My wife and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed. Me and her, respectively.

@HenpeckedHal: doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

@HenpeckedHal: Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That's great, hon! Where's the baby?
Me: Let me repeat...

@HenpeckedHal: Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy's beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don't like to share?
Me: Because I don't like to share.

@HenpeckedHal: condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

@HenpeckedHal: me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it's called a biopsy