@HenpeckedHal: How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can't say "oatmeal," but he calls it "eatmeal" before I serve it and "atemeal" once he's done.
@HenpeckedHal: Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
@HenpeckedHal: Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
@HenpeckedHal: My wife and I announce when we're going to the bathroom, but it's more a way of saying, "I'm not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it's all your fault."
@HenpeckedHal: My son calls them "please cars" because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter "please don't pull me over!"
@HenpeckedHal: [first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
@HenpeckedHal: Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden...
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
@HenpeckedHal: HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.