This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
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To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
lost dog
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it