Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Henry_3k's best tweets

@Henry_3k : I'm not making a snap judgment of you. I've been following you around the grocery store for 15 minutes.

@Henry_3k: My therapist says I need to overcome "shame-based" thinking but if it wasn't for shame I don't think I'd get a damn thing done around here.

@Henry_3k: As ice water runs down my face I conclude, "Boy, you sure like to eat bread!" is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

@Henry_3k: You say I'm handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven't had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

@Henry_3k: Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

@Henry_3k: Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who's head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

@Henry_3k: You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you'll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to "sit".

@Henry_3k: My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

@Henry_3k: *Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

@Henry_3k: Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: "Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?"