movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
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When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life