guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
You Might Also Like
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
how it started vs how it ended
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
PLOT TWIST:
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”