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I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.