Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HeyZeus666's best tweets

@HeyZeus666 : The sign said 'Free Range Chickens'. So, I took some.

@HeyZeus666: My grandfather said he'd never be caught dead wearing cargo pants, so I slipped the funeral director an extra 50 bucks.

And now we wait.

@HeyZeus666: Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.

@HeyZeus666: I’d never snoop through my girlfriend’s phone out of love, a deep respect and the inability to crack her password.

@HeyZeus666: In the earliest part of my life I was a man trapped inside a woman's body.

Then mom gave birth to me.

@HeyZeus666: My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I'm calling in gay tomorrow.

@HeyZeus666: Anyone who doesn't believe in life after death has never walked away from a lousy job.

@HeyZeus666: Roses are red

Violets don't matter.

When a woman says 'I love you'

Men scatter.

@HeyZeus666: Two wrongs don't make a right.

And two half-wits don't make a wit.

@HeyZeus666: I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there's some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.