911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
You Might Also Like
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Chicken bread
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.