July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
How your email finds me
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Breaking news:
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.