Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HeyoShellz's best tweets

@HeyoShellz : [before sex] me: wait have you been tested him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

@HeyoShellz: it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

@HeyoShellz: In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

@HeyoShellz: [sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

@HeyoShellz: The writing's on the wall because I have a 4 year old

@HeyoShellz: My therapist says I'm making progress but that's only because I lie to her

@HeyoShellz: Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It's a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

@HeyoShellz: Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

@HeyoShellz: *only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

@HeyoShellz: 4: I'M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I'm gonna rip your eyeballs out