*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
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My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.