Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
You Might Also Like
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I just tested negative for patience.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying