That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
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Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence