Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
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You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.