To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
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SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Cats (2019)
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
still the best tweet of the year by far
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.