Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
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An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.