Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
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how do i become less stubborn? i鈥檓 willing to try nothing
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
When you have kids, you鈥檒l see them fighting with each other a lot but you鈥檒l also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My kids didn鈥檛 follow me into the bathroom so now I鈥檓 scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
The best backflip ever!馃挄馃馃
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won鈥檛 break.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
This is why I don鈥檛 delete Facebook
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals