Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
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I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.