@Holy_Mowgli: FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i'm a doctor
@Holy_Mowgli: Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
@Holy_Mowgli: [first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
@Holy_Mowgli: ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that's right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there's like a dozen of them in there
@Holy_Mowgli: car mechanic: I'm tired
drummer: I'm beat
pipe layer: I'm drained
gardener: I'm bushed
chef: I'm fried
tailor: I'm worn
plumber: I'm pooped
@Holy_Mowgli: ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: "my friends and i"
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
@Holy_Mowgli: "what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?"
*slides resume across desk*
"I think this speaks for itself"
"sir…that's a parrot"