Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Holy_Mowgli's best tweets

@Holy_Mowgli : restaurant owner: you start on monday me: I can't wait restaurant owner: I don't think this will work out then

@Holy_Mowgli: PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON'T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

@Holy_Mowgli: bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

@Holy_Mowgli: SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

@Holy_Mowgli: ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

@Holy_Mowgli: ~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid's lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

@Holy_Mowgli: INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

@Holy_Mowgli: I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back