Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HomeProbably's best tweets

@HomeProbably : You: Hold my beer. Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

@HomeProbably: A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

@HomeProbably: When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

@HomeProbably: Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

@HomeProbably: You'd think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

@HomeProbably: I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

@HomeProbably: [at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

@HomeProbably: I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

@HomeProbably: I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.