Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HomeProbably's best tweets

@HomeProbably : [at restaurant] Me: What's under all that garnish? Her: Nothing, it's a salad.

@HomeProbably: Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don't think I can make it through this week.

@HomeProbably: Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

@HomeProbably: Top 3 times you should never play with a woman's hair:

1) When she's angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don't know her.

@HomeProbably: I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don't care, the spider's dead.

@HomeProbably: My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

@HomeProbably: It's amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

@HomeProbably: My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

"You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don't do it here."

@HomeProbably: "Can I borrow your charger?"

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

"I meant for my iPhone."

Me: Oh, hell no.

@HomeProbably: What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.