Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Home_Halfway's best tweets

@Home_Halfway : WAITER: Do you know what you'd like? DAD: A better car! Hahaha WAITER: Sir, wait here *brings out trophy* you are our funniest customer ever

@Home_Halfway: The only difference between a roller coaster and a social event is that I scream less on the roller coaster

@Home_Halfway: ME: Are you sure you're my Uber driver

GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*

@Home_Halfway: ME: Do you think if El Salvador stopped being a country, god would make a country called El Salvawindow

UBER DRIVER: This ride is free if you stop talking

@Home_Halfway: Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about how close the rabbit probably came to being named the grasshopper

@Home_Halfway: {At concert}
"JUMP AROUND! JUMP AROUND! JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN!!"
A group of baby bunnies: HELL YES THIS IS OUR SONG

@Home_Halfway: ROOMMATE: Hank is coming by later
ME: Cannibal Hank or Pastry-Loving Hank?
[From outside] HEY ANYBODY WANNA EAT A DANISH
ROOMMATE: Yeah I don't know man

@Home_Halfway: MUGGER: *exasperated* Look dude. I'm NOT mad at you. I JUST want your money and your watch. That's it. We're totally okay, I promise.

ME: *wiping snot from my nose* ...okay, do you promise you aren't mad though

@Home_Halfway: MAMA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA ROACH: Someones been cutting MY life to pieces

@Home_Halfway: *Slips my number to your dog as I leave your party*