Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Home_Halfway's best tweets

@Home_Halfway : WAITER: Are you ready? ME: Yes. I'll have the burger, medium rare WAITER: Fries? ME: Curly WAITER? Harry? ME: Dirty WAITER: Baby? ME: Not in a corner WAITER: Offers? ME: Can't be refused WAITER: Excellent, sir

@Home_Halfway: Now that I have 280 characters, I just want to say - Candice, we've been dating for 11 years now and have 4 dogs together. We were Homecoming King & Queen. We traveled to 5 continents together. We've faced life and death. Now I must ask; from the bottom of my heart, will you m

@Home_Halfway: She wears short skirts
I eat ham late at night
She's cheer captain and
I eat ham late at night

@Home_Halfway: Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself

*don't panic and say something stupid*
*don't panic and say something stupid*
*don't panic and say something stupid*
*don't panic and say something stupid*

Me: Do you think my blood tastes different than yours

@Home_Halfway: Wanna feel old? Only 6 people are now Kung-Fu Fighting.

@Home_Halfway: MEGAN: What are you up to

MEGHAN: Whaht ahre yhou uhp toh

@Home_Halfway: WOMAN: Hey big boy

ME: *not knowing how to flirt back* Hey dad

@Home_Halfway: ME: Babe, it's Christmas *gets on one knee*

GIRLFRIEND: Omg

ME: And I have just one question *gets in fetal position*

GF: Uh

ME: Can we leave this family party. Your dad keeps wanting to arm wrestle me

@Home_Halfway: DATE: Say hi to my family. This is my mom
ME: This is your mom? She looks like she'd be your sister!
DATE'S MOM: Aww stop it
DATE: This is my grandma
ME: This is your grandma? She looks like she's 5
DATE'S GRANDMA: What
DATE: This is my great grandma
ME: She doesn't look born yet