@Home_Halfway : WAITER: Are you ready?
ME: Yes. I'll have the burger, medium rare
WAITER: Fries?
ME: Curly
WAITER? Harry?
ME: Dirty
WAITER: Baby?
ME: Not in a corner
WAITER: Offers?
ME: Can't be refused
WAITER: Excellent, sir
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@Home_Halfway: Now that I have 280 characters, I just want to say - Candice, we've been dating for 11 years now and have 4 dogs together. We were Homecoming King & Queen. We traveled to 5 continents together. We've faced life and death. Now I must ask; from the bottom of my heart, will you m
@Home_Halfway: She wears short skirts
I eat ham late at night
She's cheer captain and
I eat ham late at night
@Home_Halfway: Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself
*don't panic and say something stupid*
*don't panic and say something stupid*
*don't panic and say something stupid*
*don't panic and say something stupid*
Me: Do you think my blood tastes different than yours
@Home_Halfway: Wanna feel old? Only 6 people are now Kung-Fu Fighting.
@Home_Halfway: MEGAN: What are you up to
MEGHAN: Whaht ahre yhou uhp toh
@Home_Halfway: After 25 years, 2018 is finally ending.
@Home_Halfway: WOMAN: Hey big boy
ME: *not knowing how to flirt back* Hey dad
@Home_Halfway: ME: Babe, it's Christmas *gets on one knee*
GIRLFRIEND: Omg
ME: And I have just one question *gets in fetal position*
GF: Uh
ME: Can we leave this family party. Your dad keeps wanting to arm wrestle me
@Home_Halfway: DATE: Say hi to my family. This is my mom
ME: This is your mom? She looks like she'd be your sister!
DATE'S MOM: Aww stop it
DATE: This is my grandma
ME: This is your grandma? She looks like she's 5
DATE'S GRANDMA: What
DATE: This is my great grandma
ME: She doesn't look born yet