@Home_Halfway: Just got back from running 10 miles! Okay, 7 miles. FINE 3 miles. Or...1 mile. Okay okay I ran a block. Jogged. Walked. I fell off my couch.
@Home_Halfway: [Dumbo meeting, 1941]
WALT DISNEY: Let's make a new kids movie
WRITER: Will it be funny?
WALT: No, it'll be about a sad baby elephant
WRITER: Who tells jokes?
WALT: No, he's taken from his mom
WRITER: To somewhere fun?
WALT: No, the circus
WRITER: ....everything ok at home, sir?
@Home_Halfway: GIRLFRIEND: I'm breaking up with you
ME: Is it because o-
GIRLFRIEND: Yeah sure whatever let's go with that
@Home_Halfway: GOD: [continuing to make humans] Make some of them think running is fun
ANGEL: This is just sick, I can't watch this
@Home_Halfway: ME: I'd like to be your quarterback
MANAGER: This is a Dominos
ME: The sign said "Hiring All Positions"
MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché
@Home_Halfway: In high school I was voted class clown after I gave people red balloons and dragged them into the sewer.
@Home_Halfway: ME: I'm a moron and an idiot and no one likes me and I'm alone and I ruin everything in my life
RAP BATTLE OPPONENT: Dude I'm the one who's supposed to insult you