Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Home_Halfway's best tweets

@Home_Halfway : *Slips my number to your dog as I leave your party*

@Home_Halfway: What if Rafiki was just holding Simba up to the light to make sure he wasn't counterfeit

@Home_Halfway: The Olympics are my favorite 3 week event where I get to harshly judge people way better than me.

@Home_Halfway: If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He's adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team

@Home_Halfway: I like to go to my local diner and order pancakes "on the rocks." They don't know what I mean. Neither do I. They hate it when I come in

@Home_Halfway: ME: I've never "opened up to someone" like this before haha

SURGEON: We have literally run out of anesthesia to give you, please be unconscious

@Home_Halfway: Where do they bury the bodies of the families that lose at Family Feud

@Home_Halfway: DATE: So what do you like to do?
ME: Enter hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You mean "eating?"
ME: *thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No

@Home_Halfway: *Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I'm too scared to tell my friends*

@Home_Halfway: FRIEND: Your smoothie looks awesome

ME: Thanks. It's just 20oz of guacamole, it cost me $310