@Home_Halfway: ME: I'd like to be your quarterback
MANAGER: This is a Dominos
ME: The sign said "Hiring All Positions"
MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché
@Home_Halfway: In high school I was voted class clown after I gave people red balloons and dragged them into the sewer.
@Home_Halfway: ME: I'm a moron and an idiot and no one likes me and I'm alone and I ruin everything in my life
RAP BATTLE OPPONENT: Dude I'm the one who's supposed to insult you
@Home_Halfway: GF: I wanna move in together
COP BF: *writes a ticket*
GF: What are you doing?
COP BF: This is for relationship speeding. Slow down, Brenda.
@Home_Halfway: WAITER: Do you know what you'd like?
DAD: A better car! Hahaha
WAITER: Sir, wait here
*brings out trophy*
you are our funniest customer ever
@Home_Halfway: The only difference between a roller coaster and a social event is that I scream less on the roller coaster
@Home_Halfway: ME: Are you sure you're my Uber driver
GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*
@Home_Halfway: ME: Do you think if El Salvador stopped being a country, god would make a country called El Salvawindow
UBER DRIVER: This ride is free if you stop talking