Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Home_Halfway's best tweets

@Home_Halfway : MUGGER: Give me your money ME: I'm not convinced MUGGER: What ME: Say it meaner MU: YOUR MONEY NOW ME: You weren't feeling that MU: Sigh, you're right ME: Maybe wave your gun around? MU: *waves it around* This hurts my wrist ME: Let's just forget it MU: Yeah, sorry man

@Home_Halfway: ME: Sure is nice to be fishing in the ocean today

*do do do do*

FRIEND: What was that?

ME: What was what?

*do do do do*

FRIEND: THAT

ME: Oh god

*DO DO DO DO*

FRIEND: WE'RE SURROUNDED BY BABY SHARKS

ME: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

*DO DO DO DO*

FRIEND: DO DO DO DO

ME: DO DO DO DO

@Home_Halfway: PROFESSOR X: What is your super power

LOU BEGA: I can mambo a 5th time without having to mambo 1-4 times

PROFESSOR X: Astonishing

@Home_Halfway: M. Night Shyamalan: *hiding*

M. Night Confidentamalan: Hey guys! How is everyone?

@Home_Halfway: ME: I thought we'd try something new in the bedroom tonight

WIFE: Oh really, I like that

ME: *holds her hands* Babe, let's tape the bed to the ceiling so we can sleep like bats

@Home_Halfway: ME: So, was I a good person on earth?

GOD: Mostly

ME: Mostly?

GOD: I mean, you did the Macarena at every wedding

ME: So?

GOD: Like, even when it wasn't playing

ME: Yeah, that's bad

GOD: And not even just to dance songs either

ME: Okay I get it

GOD: You barely got in here

@Home_Halfway: PROFESSOR X: What is your skill?

ME: I'm very strong

X: So? All my students are

ME: Oh yeah? *watches a movie without eating popcorn*

X: Dear god

@Home_Halfway: DRINKING AT 25: Hell yeah let's go out all night and go straight to work

DRINKING AT 35: Dear diary, I had a beer last month. I've had a hangover for two fortnight. I fear this is the end

@Home_Halfway: [TV show]

CHARACTER: I'll have a beer

BARTENDER: What brand?

CHARACTER: *stunned* Uh...I don't know, no one's ever asked this in a show before

@Home_Halfway: [man having a stroke on an airplane]

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh my god! Do we have a doctor on the plane?

DENTIST: I'm a dentist, I can try

FA: Please do, hurry!

DENTIST: *runs over and hurriedly flosses the man's teeth* Don't you die on me