Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Home_Halfway's best tweets

@Home_Halfway : DATE: So how long have you lived here? ME: *dramatically slams the menu on the table* I don't live in the restaurant, Claudia

@Home_Halfway: "Donatello" ~ Italian man telling me to keep a secret

@Home_Halfway: Just got back from running 10 miles! Okay, 7 miles. FINE 3 miles. Or...1 mile. Okay okay I ran a block. Jogged. Walked. I fell off my couch.

@Home_Halfway: [Dumbo meeting, 1941]

WALT DISNEY: Let's make a new kids movie
WRITER: Will it be funny?
WALT: No, it'll be about a sad baby elephant
WRITER: Who tells jokes?
WALT: No, he's taken from his mom
WRITER: To somewhere fun?
WALT: No, the circus
WRITER: ....everything ok at home, sir?

@Home_Halfway: GIRLFRIEND: I'm breaking up with you

ME: Is it because o-

GIRLFRIEND: Yeah sure whatever let's go with that

@Home_Halfway: GOD: [continuing to make humans] Make some of them think running is fun

ANGEL: This is just sick, I can't watch this

@Home_Halfway: Johnny Depp looks like a homeless man who was given $5000 to spend at H&M

@Home_Halfway: ME: I'd like to be your quarterback

MANAGER: This is a Dominos

ME: The sign said "Hiring All Positions"

MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché

@Home_Halfway: In high school I was voted class clown after I gave people red balloons and dragged them into the sewer.

@Home_Halfway: ME: I'm a moron and an idiot and no one likes me and I'm alone and I ruin everything in my life

RAP BATTLE OPPONENT: Dude I'm the one who's supposed to insult you