Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Home_Halfway's best tweets

@Home_Halfway : [Running into a friend] FRIEND: Hey it's good to see you! We should get together soon! ME: Totally! FRIEND: How about Friday? ME: Yeah let's do it soon FRIEND: Right, like Friday? ME: Take care! FRIEND: So, Friday? ME: *grabs their collar* Stop trying to make this happen

@Home_Halfway: Sewing: For when you want to stab something 1000 times, but don't want to kill someone.

@Home_Halfway: DATE: What do you do for a living?
ME: I create makeup kits
DATE: Oh that's so cool
ME: Yeah, I'll put one together for you
DATE: Aww you're making me blush

@Home_Halfway: AGE 21: I haven't slept in 3 days cause of finals but I'm gonna party all night and do a pub crawl tomorrow

AGE 35: Sorry I'd love to come to dinner but my eye is watery and I'm gonna be resting for the next week

@Home_Halfway: [Texting]

ME: I miss you

KIDNAPPER: Stop texting me from the trunk

@Home_Halfway: ME: If you had the Sorting Hat on, which Hogwarts House do you think you'd be assigned to
DATE: Idk, none of that is real
ME: I bet I'd be in Hufflepuff
DATE: Okay
ME: Do you think Snape's clothes were soft
DATE: I gotta go

@Home_Halfway: [1912]

ME: I'm gonna tickle you!

CAPTAIN: Hahaha come on stop

ME: Tickle tickle!

CAPTAIN: Haha stop it, I gotta drive this huge ship

ME: Tickling you more!

CAPTAIN: Hahahaha hold on hold on lemme get us around this iceberg

@Home_Halfway: [Hopeless romantic phone sex line]

PHONE SEX OPERATOR: Tell me what you're wearing

ME: My heart on my sleeve

PSO: Very nice. Turn on Hallmark

ME: Oh no, you're bad

PSO: Pretend you're the guy in this movie kissing Amy Smart at the skating rink

ME: Mmm she smells of magnolia

@Home_Halfway: DATE: So how long have you lived here?

ME: *dramatically slams the menu on the table* I don't live in the restaurant, Claudia

@Home_Halfway: "Donatello" ~ Italian man telling me to keep a secret