Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Home_Halfway's best tweets

@Home_Halfway : [man having a stroke on an airplane] FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh my god! Do we have a doctor on the plane? DENTIST: I'm a dentist, I can try FA: Please do, hurry! DENTIST: *runs over and hurriedly flosses the man's teeth* Don't you die on me

@Home_Halfway: "Hey, quick question" ~ A coworker who's about to give you a week's worth of work

@Home_Halfway: WAITER: Are you ready?

ME: Yes. I'll have the burger, medium rare

WAITER: Fries?

ME: Curly

WAITER? Harry?

ME: Dirty

WAITER: Baby?

ME: Not in a corner

WAITER: Offers?

ME: Can't be refused

WAITER: Excellent, sir

@Home_Halfway: Now that I have 280 characters, I just want to say - Candice, we've been dating for 11 years now and have 4 dogs together. We were Homecoming King & Queen. We traveled to 5 continents together. We've faced life and death. Now I must ask; from the bottom of my heart, will you m

@Home_Halfway: She wears short skirts
I eat ham late at night
She's cheer captain and
I eat ham late at night

@Home_Halfway: Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself

*don't panic and say something stupid*
*don't panic and say something stupid*
*don't panic and say something stupid*
*don't panic and say something stupid*

Me: Do you think my blood tastes different than yours

@Home_Halfway: Wanna feel old? Only 6 people are now Kung-Fu Fighting.

@Home_Halfway: MEGAN: What are you up to

MEGHAN: Whaht ahre yhou uhp toh

@Home_Halfway: WOMAN: Hey big boy

ME: *not knowing how to flirt back* Hey dad