Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Home_Halfway's best tweets

@Home_Halfway : Got kicked out of a mosh pit again for petting people's hair

@Home_Halfway: *enters password*
[Your password must contain numbers and letters]

@Home_Halfway: WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

@Home_Halfway: ME: Hey congrats, I hear you're pregnant
CLIENT: Yes, thank you!
ME: *trying to think of a good power move* Many species eat their young

@Home_Halfway: JOSH: Hey dad
DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh
JOSH: Um yeah
DAD: We're changing it
JOSH: No please don-
DAD: It's done
ERIC: What the

@Home_Halfway: ME: Do ghosts wear condoms
DENTIST: How are you still awake

@Home_Halfway: [Starbucks meeting]
ME: Sorry I'm "latte" haha
BOSS: Aren't you the guy we fired for biting a customer

@Home_Halfway: Every time the media has to report on Trump they should misspell his name and call him Mr. Turnip until he loses his mind completely

@Home_Halfway: "Emma Stone" ~ Italian man telling you he's high

@Home_Halfway: [God inventing iguanas]
Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren't