Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Home_Halfway's best tweets

@Home_Halfway : *Hands waiter menu back at a fancy restaurant* I don't know what any of this is and I'm scared

@Home_Halfway: When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead

@Home_Halfway: I forgot the name for a beaver the other day so I referred to them as "architect squirrels."

@Home_Halfway: Not sure what to do with your hands while on a date? Carry two swords. Next question

@Home_Halfway: FLEETWOOD MAC: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

ME: Ok. Bears always catch salmon cause they think they're saving them from drowning

@Home_Halfway: I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I'm sleeping.

@Home_Halfway: Having a terrible night with my date and her husband

@Home_Halfway: DATE'S FATHER: What business do you have with my daughter
ME: Oh this isn't a work thing, we're gonna watch a movie and smooch all night

@Home_Halfway: Got kicked out of a mosh pit again for petting people's hair

@Home_Halfway: *enters password*
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