My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
You Might Also Like
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Why I divorced her.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
One venti cheeseburger please.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage