My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
You Might Also Like
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now