Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
You Might Also Like
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you