I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
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yeah not falling for this one
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning