[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
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When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!