Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
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The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?