I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
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To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I mean…but I did
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
😎 🍻
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
HELP 😭
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”