@House_Feminist: "They say some of history's greatest minds could function on very little sleep" I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
@House_Feminist: Imagine having a baby that didn't photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
@House_Feminist: [introducing my children]
...and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
@House_Feminist: A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
@House_Feminist: I took my kids' screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
@House_Feminist: Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you're so quiet it's hard to tell if you're turned on
@House_Feminist: Just when I thought we'd avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
@House_Feminist: My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I'm going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
@House_Feminist: I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we're so cultured and not bc she's basically been raised by Peppa Pig