@House_Feminist: god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
@House_Feminist: remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
@House_Feminist: Whenever a tweet doesn't do well initially I think "weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now"
@House_Feminist: It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
@House_Feminist: Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
@House_Feminist: If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
@House_Feminist: My friend told me he doesn't believe in having children so now I'm wondering if other people can see mine or if it's just me
@House_Feminist: when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don't get sharks in your hair