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Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Me too, bag. Me too….
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
BaD BoY!!
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Cake safety first. Always.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.