I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
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“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
yea so i messed up lol
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Remember folks 😂
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.