Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
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Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.