Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HughGoesThere's best tweets

@HughGoesThere : [first day as priest] Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife? Him: She's my daughter and this is her baptism. Me: Mazel tov.

@HughGoesThere: [bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

@HughGoesThere: [first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

@HughGoesThere: Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I'm sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

@HughGoesThere: Writer: Got this great idea for a movie... “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

@HughGoesThere: Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don't actually eat marbles.
Me: I'm coming out.