@HughGoesThere: [first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She's my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
M: And olive oil?
M: And baby oil?
*I turn out the lights and leave
@HughGoesThere: Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I'm sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
@HughGoesThere: Writer: Got this great idea for a movie... “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
@HughGoesThere: Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don't actually eat marbles.
Me: I'm coming out.