*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
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me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.