I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
You Might Also Like
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
This is a whole mood;
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.