You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
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Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
23. the denim jacket
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?