Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
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Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.