[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
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[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.