[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
You Might Also Like
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!