Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
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Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.