Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
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“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Carpe DM
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?