I didn’t realize that was an option
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*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
just got my engagement photos
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband