[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
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I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*