My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
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Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.