[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
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HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
The Others (2001)
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible