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House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.