“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
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Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Wait a second…
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?