when nothing goes right… go left
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My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.